Petty Privilege: A Response to Pretty Privilege
By: Mike Roberti
My co-worker, Dave, wrote a satirical piece (pretending to be NJ Alexander) about so-called “pretty privilege,” joking that it does not exist. Look, we all know pretty privilege is an extension of the halo effect—the idea we treat people differently based on appearance. This is why Fabio has been on countless romance covers, and I never have. (Editor’s note: Never give up, Mike)
But I’m here to tell you that there is a far better privilege that anyone can harness. A privilege so powerful it outweighs the pretty, the talented, and the lucky. Its something that can shake the very foundations of everything you thought you could be:
Petty privilege.
See, this is one I have directly benefited from in my life, and you know what? You can too. Anyone can! Hell, before he went insane, Aaron Rogers tapped into it after he slid way too long in the NFL draft. Have you ever heard Michael Jordan’s hall of fame speech? Wow. Talk about petty privilege.
So what is it? What this amounts to is letting people doubt you and then having an unhealthy obsession with proving them wrong. Anyone can be pretty if they are born that way, but being petty takes effort. It takes time. You gotta let it stew like a nice pot roast or whatever. I don’t care if pot roast doesn’t stew. I’m too petty to look it up.
Here’s an example of this from the real world: I remember a friend of mine warning me that I’d fail out of college after I did terrible my first semester (because I was lazy and didn’t go to class). Well guess what? I graduated. Guess who failed out? That’s right. That guy. Petty privilege. I was petty and he wasn’t and boom. All it takes is a little “Oh yeah? That’s what you think.”
Shoot, people told me not to self publish my book and then that I wasn’t spending enough money on it and then that no one would read it. And you know what? I’m doing ok. I’m no flashy community or industry darling, but I’m doing things my way and having a heck of a time. What I can’t afford in financial capital to get the ball rolling, I make up for in sheer amount of “shut up and read my book.”
The best part of petty privilege is it’s good in literally any aspect of your life. Pretty privilege is a lot more limited in scope and fades with age whereas as I get older I get more petty like a fine wine aging in the oaken barrels of life’s struggles.
Petty privilege is what kept me going when after my first semester of teaching didn’t go amazing and my first principal told me to pull up my big boy panties or go to grad school and become a professor (like he knew was my ultimate goal). I’ve been teaching for 14 years now, and by all accounts am doing a fine job. I’m too spiteful to quit.
Petty privilege helped me realize my full potential as the front man of a hardcore punk band when I was too nervous to make a good impression after switching from bass to vocals. I could have given up. I could have slinked back into the darkness that is being a bass player. But I didn’t, I let the light of my burning hatred keep me going.
And that fire has never gone out. Petty privilege is the reason I’m gonna keep on publishing books and writing what I want.
See, harnessing the power of other people’s doubts is something that can’t be replicated. It’s used by athletes, musicians, artists, and I assume politicians—there’s no way they can do what they do otherwise.
That’s the true lesson from the Tortoise and the Hare and The Little Engine that Could—being too petty to give up.
So take a lesson from me. You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t really even have to have a lot of talent. You just need to look your doubters in the eye and say “nah, I think I’ll keep going.”
Stay spiteful.
Mike Roberti
From the time he was young, Michael loved books and words.
Born in Maryland, and living there until 9, he found an early love of books and poems, and the librarians of Laurel, Maryland knew him by name. Later, after moving to Florida, he has fond memories of ignoring teachers’ lessons and pillaging classroom libraries instead.
Eventually, forming a punk band with his best friend, they put out a few EPs and even did a full Florida tour. As the lyrics writing bass player, he eventually got the confidence to become the vocalist. When the band eventually broke up, Mike did the only two things he could think to do: learn how to play Dungeons & Dragons and go to college.
Over the last 10+ years, Mike found his way to North Carolina and has been: teaching, getting married, having two kids, and playing tons of DnD. Most importantly, started writing the world of Aithe.
*All Porridge Report articles are satire and should be taken with humor in mind. If offense is taken, please let us know in the comments and we will rectify.
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